Radiant Citrus Fruits

I've missed blurty/lj. I think I should start writing again just to get some of my thoughts out, especially during this life-turning point. Writing is very therapeutic, you know ;-)

Life is grand and i'm finally healthy and happy. Taking one day at a time, but excited about LIFE and LIVING :-)

<3 to all,

Barbie

Since WHEEENNN did a celebrity's opinion on politics carry any weight and why are people so quick to assume that since it came out of a celebrity's mouth it is a grounded statement.  These people live in fantasy worlds SO far removed that their opinion, on anything, especially politics, is most definitely not based in reality.

So why does everyone give it so much credence?  Are independent thinkers a thing of the past?!?

I hate politics.

Crappy attempt at sleep tonight.  Was out cold for an hour and then woke up and was WIDE awake.  That was almost 2 hours ago.  I need to sleep so desperately but my body is simply refusing to let me right now.  And even if i tried, Ed is snoring which will make an attempt at sleep wildly unsuccessful.

Things have been okay as of late.  I simultaneously love and hate my new job at the Melting Pot.  I love the people I work with, and most of the managers are really cool, and most of the guests are pretty nice people.

But it all came back a little too fast why I hated waitressing and was so happy to quit CPK.  Sometimes you have these amazing nights where you connect with all your tables and your tips are at a consistent 18-20%.  Other nights, like the ones I've been having lately, I've been completely stiffed or left a tip so ridiculously low I would almost prefer that they left no tip at all, because oddly that would make me feel a little less insulted.  I bust my ass at work for my tables.  Every one of them.  So when I get left 9 dollars on a 126 dollar bill, that sucks.  That really sucks.  I forgot how intense the anger gets, and how euphoric an amazing night is.  The restaurant industry is such an emotional rollarcoaster.

Thank goodness for auto-gratuity on parties of 5 or more.  Unfortunately, most tables at the MP are 2-tops or 4-tops, so the ability to use auto-gratuity doesn't come that often.

Note to the general population:  People, don't take your children to the Melting Pot.  It is not a "child friendly" restaurant.  In fact, I can think of no restaurant that is less child friendly.  People, your meal is centered around a hot pot full of near-boiling liquids.  Why on God's green earth would this be a place you would take your child?  Especially a place where several other people are trying to enjoy a special occassion (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) in a romantic setting while your kid is sitting there screaming and throwing cereal all over the restaurant.  And no, we do not have "food for kids".

I wish I could employ a strict "no children under the age of 12 permitted in the restaurant" policy.  It would just make everything move so much more smoothly.

But enough bitching about the job.  It's what I've gotta do right now to pay my bills, and I looked for a job for long enough that I am truly grateful to even be employed.  Apparently the business gets better as we move into the football/winter season, so that's more motivation to stick with things.

I'm happy that I'm employed and 90% of the time i look forward to going to work.  However, the time between when I wake up in the morning and when I get dressed to go to work leaves a lot to be desired.  I want to DO something.  I crave it.  I need it.  And there are so many things to do around the house but they're all things that Ed needs to help with, since they revolve around cleaning/organizing his things.  However, after i've asked/suggested that we do something several times, I get tired of it and give up because I feel like he doesn't care and it's not a priority to him.  Just because you don't feel like doing something is not an excuse not to do it.  We all have to do things that are mildly unpleasant.  It's part of being human.  Few people like doing dishes or laundry, but it still has to be done.  It doesn't just take care of itself or go away if you ignore it long enough.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated a lot when I'm not at work, and then work sometimes makes me frustrated.  What can I do to break this nasty cycle?  When I'm not at work i'm pretty much not happy.  I would run, but it's so freaking hot and humid now in North Carolina that the only times it's bearable (or sane) to run are in the morning before the sun comes up or at night after it sets.  However, we usually go to bed at 2-3 in the morning which makes the morning a no-go and then i work from 4-about 11 every night.  So when I get home I'm exhausted and my back aches and hurts and the last thing I can fathom is throwing on running shoes and putting more strain on my already damaged-from-carrying-extremely-heavy-trays-at-work-all-night back.

I desperately want a gym membership but money is so tight right now I can't even afford my basic necessities.  I can't afford to enroll in the one class I need to get my diploma and a better job.

I feel seriously stuck between a rock and a hard place.  What can I do to get free?

Sitting on the couch computer-ing at 2:30.  Tried to go to sleep about 10:30.  I eventually just gave up and came out here to do... stuff.  Blah.

Tomorrow Ed leaves to go to New York for a few days to do a couple things.  One is to have a meeting with some of Kathy's clients and get a check for the two of us *crosses fingers*

The other is to take his dog, Zelda to his ex-girlfriend where she will live for 4 months, and then we get her for the next 4.

This is someone that Ed dated and lived with for 5 years.  She has a new boyfriend, and they've recently moved to New York.  The old way things used to work is that Ed would meet her, or she would just come over to the house, to pick Zelda up every couple weeks.  2 weeks with her, 2 weeks with us.

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks this is crazy/inappropriate.  Or am I just blowing this out of proportion?  I need someone else's opinion!

I've asked Ed about it and his story in a nutshell is that the two of them got Zelda 3 years ago when she was a puppy and they were still together.  He got busy with work and she would take care of the dog.  This eventually got to a cycle where Ed could leave and go DJ or travel or whatever after they broke up and she would take care of Zelda, and when he got back he would pick her up.

He said he does it to try to be a nice guy because she loves the dog too.  But they broke up over 2 years ago!  Is having joint-custody of a dog a thing normal, never engaged, never married people do?

Please help.  This is driving me crazy.

Barbie

I missed LJ. I did.  It's kindof like crack.  Thanks to my commenters!!!  I thought I had set up my journal to email me comments, but apparently that isn't the case, so when i logged in tonight it was almost like christmas.  3 bright new shiny lovey comments.  yay.  But anywho, onto the good stuff.

SO.

Tomorrow I am getting a new apartment.  One that I can actually afford this time.  I hadn't anticipated this happenening so early.  The plan was to begrudgingly move home (again) and live with the dysfunctional family until I had enough money to front for rent, security deposits, etc., but to my surprise Ed is fronting the costs for me so I don't have to go back home.

We have had a very tumultuous relationship, to say the least, and I've been living with him and spending literally almost 23 hours of the day with him for the past 3 months or so.  Needless to say, with neither of us being employed and me not having any friends in the area, it hasn't exactly helped our relationship.  So I'm getting my own place to have my space and privacy.  I need it for my own mental and emotional sanity, and once that is back in place I can focus on if this relationship is what I want for myself.

I need a job so desperately.  The job market sucks right now.  I have been sending applications upon applications in over the last 3 and a half weeks and nothing.  It's incredibly frustrating because my need for money is so great right now.  I have nothing.  Literally, nothing.  No money in the bank, maxed out credit cards, no health insurance, and most importantly, no assets to sell to get me by in the short run.  I've been trying to sell the bed I bought (at a loss, but it would be somehing) but no one wants a sweet bed from pottery barn apparently.  I've even been trying to sell the only nice pieces of jewelry I own.   On Craig's List.  I've thought about going to a pawn shop and even driven by one a few times but I always lose my nerve to go in there when I see the bars on the windows and all kinds of sketch people loitering outside.  I tell myself that i'm not that desperate yet, even though I'm going insane with each passing day that goes by that my bills are more late and more late.  I dread my credit getting fucked up and even though the chances are slim, I even worry about my car getting repossessed.

Back to the boyfriend.  I was shocked how well he took me screaming "i don't want to live here anymore! how's that for honesty!" at him.  He told me it was okay and I could take all the space and was v. supportive.  It was an incredible relief.  I've felt suffocated and trapped here.  I'm not ready to cohabitate.  Thank God I don't have to go live at home again.  Every time I go back to visit it's drama.  On the flipside, Tom and Jim always seem to have a bowl readily available, and that does help take the edge off.

I'm looking forward to my life being in balance again.  Everything has been so out-of-whack since I stopped working at the dealership in February.  I'm so so excited to be employed again (2 jobs, I hope!), pay off my debts, save money, make new friends, have old friends move into town (yay Jessica!!), accomplish goals (kick ochems butt, run a half marathon) and just feel like myself again. 

Agh.  There's a single mosquito in the living room buzzing around my ear so I'm gonna wrap this up and head to bed, away from said fucker.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Love,

Barbie

Tomorrow will be my third day of summer ochem II. I like my prof, and Chapel Hill is just so beautiful. I actually like it. My history class at state starts next week. It's gonna be crazy balancing the two, but oh well.

I still need to finish my paper. fucking a.

I've been reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad, which is a fabulous book. I'll probably re-read it, which is something i never do with books. My goal is to a live a life of complete financial freedom so that I can enjoy what life has to offer and provide for my family.

Home is good, because I don't have to pay for rent or food or gas and I get to spend time with my little sister and brothers, parents and grandparents. But on the flipside, it is so stressful, and there is so much negative energy around here. My mom owns her own business, and she works at home. She hates it because there's no other people around - you need interaction with other people to be happy. So she's miserable about being alone all day and in addition to that she hasn't had work in a while and she's stressing out like whoa, prediciting doomsday and the end of her business. Being severely depressed about the pressure to pay bills, pay the mortgage, pay for Jim's college, pay for car insurance, pay for health insurance, pay to replace carpets that have been destroyed in our house, pay for new countertops and appliances so that if we wanted to sell our house it would be marketable, and on and on and on. She gets depressed and cries and tells me over and over that "I don't understand" "No one understands" "Your dad doens't help" and it's exhausting. It really is.

It also sucks that I don't really have anyone to hang out with in Raleigh. It's not that I'm a homebody, but I don't have any other options right now. I'm excited to move into my own place hopefully in the early fall, so all day long i search craig's list for apartments and furniture. Then I get greedy and to to pottery barn and ethan allen and daydream about nice furniture.

I try to do all I can to create a positive and peaceful environment at home, but I'm only one person and sometimes it seems like everyone is against me. Not that that means i'm going to give up or change, but it's hard nevertheless.

Big sigh. Big big sigh.

I've been home a week now.

I miss Bornali and Amanda. I miss our apartment, messy, but ours. I miss the kittens. I miss cluttering the coffeetable with my laptop etc. so i can be in the middle of the goings-ons. I miss the Village being a 2-minute walk away. I miss watching court tv with Bornali and making Giant Eagle grocery shopping trips at 11 at night.

I miss feeling not alone.

:'-(

I've been having these really intense dreams lately, and I'm not sure why. Last night I dreamt that my brother Tom robbed a convenience store with one of his friends, and shot at the clerk but didn't hit him. The security cameras captured his face and it was all over the papers. In my dream I was bawling because I was trying to make Tom understand that he was going to be sent to jail for armed robbery and attempted murder. Woooowww, my dreams are so messed up!

So, weird dreams aside, it's almost spring break! I'm just taking it easy this year and spending the week at home in NC with the fam, get rested up and hopefully catch up on some work, spend quality time with my baybee (Sammy!) and enjoy the warm weather :-). But before that, I've got 6 midterms to tackle this week (that's what taking 22 credits to graduate in May gets you). yiiiiiikes. *crosses fingers*

Our time with Blizzard and Fury is nearing an end, unless Augie adopts them. I kinda hope he does actually. Now that they've been with us for almost a month they're bigger, and not sick, and just starting to learn how to coordinate their bodies (e.g. running at lightning speed, climbing up pant legs, jumping over our make-shift barriers). They're litter box trained now, and they're eating dry food so their fur is all soft and fluffy like it's supposed to be and not crusted to their faces (ewwww).

Oh, and I still have no idea what i'm going to do next year. But the plan is to graduate first, and worry about that later, haha.

So that's about it for now. I can't wait for spring to finally arrive. :-)

I love my deegees. They make me so happy and so proud :-D

Tomorrow is bid day where *i hope* we'll have 28 fabulous new women in theta beta!!

Life is so good, now i just gotta get some work done for these 22 credits i'm taking this semester *eep!*

(Feelin' the) Love,
Barbie

I am in the most phenomenal mood ever. Everything is just falling into place so nicely! And for once, the snow outside is big and fluffy and floats down from the sky instead of the usual wind-driving-it-into-your-face type. I really feel on top of the world lately. Life is good. Life is so, so good. :-)

I fit into my skinny jeans again! Yay!

Today's the first day of classes, and life is good. I love my family, my friends, and my sisters SO much :-D

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8277482623695779073&q=ask+a+ninja&hl=en

Watch it. Now.

Studying has never been so hard as tonight. My mind is so burdoned that it takes every ounce of energy I have to focus on what I'm reading and try to retain it. My family is in more trouble than I ever could have imagined, and it's hard to think of anything but...

how can i fix this?

motherfuck i hate my procrastinating ways. 8 page paper due by 4, gah. Another paper due by 5. Another paper due by Tuesday? Killlll meeee. *hyperventilates*

I'm so unmotivated right now. I need to be working on my three papers but i'm so... tired... *yawn*.

Our Christmas party last night was a fantastic success I think. The night didn't end how i'd hoped, which was v. frustrating, gah. :-(

Is school over yet?

I'm so happy right now. In fact, I've been feeling pretty good in general lately. The semester is almost over! Everyone's stressing about exams and projects, but i'm just going to take one day at a time and soon it will be Christmas. How I love Christmas.

Ooh and I can't wait for this weekend ;-) hehe

I feel so sick. Owwwieeee

My head hurts off and on and i'm worried i won't be able to keep food down and i'm shaky and owww, help

Oh geez. I'm having one of those nights where I can't focus. My ochem exam is tomorrow but I have tons of apathy, which is bad, but I justify it to myself by things like "well, what's one test after you graduate anyways? you're not going to med school/law school/want to have anything to do with biology anymore, anyways." Oh me. Queen of procrastination and their excuses. I fly home on Tuesday morning and I am so excited that it's hard to get what I need to get done, done. Every day it's always somethin'. It seems like there is so much time (and work) before I can finally graduate, even though I know it will go quickly. August seems like a long way away when it's only nearly December. When all I've wanted to do is graduate since spring Sophomore year. Oh Case.

My new dream career is to be a brilliant political correspondent. Writing, perhaps speaking - influential yet not something as huge as the presidency where your every breath is under the microscope. I would entertain something on such a grand scale if there wasn't so much mud-flinging, slander, and corruption. I want a family someday, and I wouldn't want to put them through such a high-profile life anyways. I know there has to be a career out there that's perfect for me... well, if not perfect, at least mostly so. Let's look at the list of careers I've eliminated so far:

Engineering (no explanation necessary)
Computer... things.
Medicine (too much money, time, 8 more years of studying, KILL me)
Physician's Assistant (i.e. some doctor's bitch)
Nursing (see above)
Law (BORing)
Business (apparently i am 5% entrepreneur)
Research (did it for 2 years... would rather stick a fork in my eye... this rules out PhD programs in science)
Anything that makes less than 50K a year
The Restaurant Business
Anything having to do with customer service (i.e. pissed off people)

So yes. When people ask me what I want to do after I graduate, it's not that I haven't been trying to figure that out for the last four years. That list above was a lot of trial and error. Lots of trial. I went to the career center over the summer and took a Meyers-Briggs test and a Strong Interest Test, and it told me that I should be in some health-related field where I work with people. Except all those thing happen to fall under many kinds of therapy... occupational therapy, physical therapy, respiratory therapy, etc. I just wouldn't be happy doing therapy. I'm a kind and empathetic person, and I do like to help people, but perhaps I can find some other way than physically.

Suggestions are very welcome.

200 pages of ochem to master by thursday morning. Dear lord.